It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia: The Gang Gets Part-Time Jobs
by TheDegeneration
Summary: After Franks liquor license gets suspended the gang is forced to get part-time jobs. Chaos ensues.


The Gang Gets Part-Time Jobs

*Mac stumbles into bar with tears running down his face

Dennis: Mac, why are you crying?

Dee: Awww did a poor wittle baby get his feelings hurt. Did he get kicked around by the rough and tumble world. Oooohhhhh so sad. Booo hoo... Waaaaa.

Dennis: Baby need a bottle?

Mac: Mace dude! Don't worry about it.

Dee: What?!

Dennis: Out making more friends in the neighborhood?

Dee: Should we be expecting cops to show up?

Mac: It was a misunderstanding. Plus it was Charlie's fault as usual.

Dennis: Did he mace you?

Mac: No

Dee: Was he around when you got maced?

Mac: No

Dennis: Alright I'm probably going to regret asking this but how was it Charlie's fault?

Mac: You know what, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Judge me all you want. Someone just get me some water or something? My face is on fire.

Frank: Here ya go.

*hands Mac a bottle of liquid

Mac: Thanks Frank, finally someone is actually doing something to help.

*squirts solution in his eye

Mac: OH MY GOD! IT BURNS! What the hell is this Frank!? What did you have me put in my eyes!? I'm blind!

Frank: Oh that was lemon juice.

Mac: Why on earth did you give me lemon juice?

Frank: Cause I thought it would be funny.

*Frank laughs hysterically

Dennis: Well played frank. Way to be an asshole.

Dee: Real nice frank teaching life lessons.

Frank: That's right. Trust no one.

Dee: Well obviously not you. I can't believe he trusted you in the first place. If you have taught us nothing over the years, time and time again, is that you can't be trusted.

Dennis: I think we all already knew that... Wait why was Mac maced again?

Mac: Screw you guys. I'm the victim here. I was wrongfully assaulted.

Dee: Wrongfully?

Mac: I refuse to be on trail here! I am not guilty!

Dennis: Alright I guess we will just wait for the actual court date. Just a fair warning though I'm going to testify against you cause I'm pretty sure you did whatever it was that caused you to get maced. You are a terrible person and I think that needs to be marked down in some court documents.

Dee: Yeah I've even thought about doing it a couple of times myself. And I'm with Dennis on the court appearance.

Mac: Real nice guys, real nice. Where's Charlie?

*Charlie pops his head up from the corner of the room.

Charlie: Over here cleaning up some vomit.

Mac: Who's vomit?

Charlie: My vomit, who else's would it be?

Dee: Of course...

*Frank reading the mail at the bar.

Frank: Our Liquor license has been suspended; you are all fired.

Dee: What how'd that happen?

Mac: Bullshit!

Frank: Apparently there have been complaints about the contents of some of our liquors.

Dennis: What? Who was here to complain? No one ever comes here.

Charlie: Oooooo... yeah... my bad. Some guy came in asking all these questions about our policies and things.

Mac: What did you tell him?

Charlie: I don't really remember, he started using all these big words and said something about codes and violations. I don't trust suits so I left.

Dennis: You just left the bar?

Charlie: Yeah I figured he would just kind of go away.

Dennis: Damn it Charlie.

Dee: You left the bar?! Just walked out? DAMN IT!

Charlie: It's not my fault. He was asking for our menus and what we had in the way of food. I had no idea what he was talking about. Apparently it's a law or something that every bar has to serve some kind of food.

Dennis: Are you sure he wasn't just a homeless person who found a suit and wanted a free meal.

Frank: You do realize that we have been given documents which are what lead us up to this entire situation. Anyway I kind of knew we were breaking the law I just didn't think we would get caught and I didn't want to hire a chef and deal with any of that business. No one comes in here anyway.

Dennis: That can't be true. Who is eating at bars? What kind of animal goes into a bar, especially this bar, and wants food. I certainly wouldn't eat here. There is vomit on the floor. There is always vomit on the floor. Damn it Charlie do your job!

Mac: What were you thinking?

Dennis: You are the worst. That absolute worst.

Dee: Well what are we going to do?

Mac: WE Dee? What are WE going to do? Don't lump yourself into our situation.

Dennis: Frank how are us men going to handle this, Charlie excluded of course.

Mac: Of course.

Frank: Well all of you guys should probably go get new jobs cause hell if I'm going to be supporting you. You guys are parasites as it is.

Mac/Dennis: What? After all we have done for you. We built this place from the ground up.

Dennis: Triumphed over evil to create the structure you see before you in all its glory.

Dee: I'd imagine this is a lot of peoples personification evil.

Charlie: Personification?

Dennis: Dee don't go trying to drop big words on us to confuse Charlie I'm sure he feels bad enough. Don't make us take away your children's dictionary. We warned you after you used the word "simulacrum" which we were all pretty sure was dirty.

Mac: Complete let down.

Dennis: Plus when you try to educate yourself you just come out sounding ridiculous and dumb. If you feel the need to read why don't you take some of the time out of your day to sit down with Charlie and teach him how so that we can prevent these kind of situations.

Mac: Circumvent? Regardless this place is truly a shrine to our greatness and you can't fire us; we own half of this bar.

Frank: You piled shit up and sprinkled glitter on it and called it a bar.

Dennis: We still own part of this bar.

Frank: Which is worth absolutely dick.

Mac: Damn it CHARLIE!

Frank: I'm really disappointed in you Charlie. But I'm more so disappointed in you Deandra. This should have been avoided.

Dee: What? Why? Why are you disappointed in me? What did I do?

Frank: This isn't the time.

Dennis: Alright guys, thanks to Frank and Charlie we need to find new jobs.

Mac/Dee/Dennis: Thanks Charlie.

Dennis: Mac we should go ask some of our old connections for help. People we have influenced and such.

Dee: Oh you guys are sooooooo popular. Why don't you go do that. All of the people that are willing to recommended you for jobs. Oh wait. You guys are all a bunch of degenerate losers with no redeeming qualities and no friends whatsoever. No one in their right mind would even think of implying any kind of personal connection with you. I deny our relation all of the time.

Dennis: Dee you sure throw a lot of judgment around for someone who has no ideas on how to help this situation. You are a burden.

Dee: Well... we should go to the mall and apply for jobs there.

Dennis: Shut up Dee; the men are trying to brainstorm here.

Mac: What about the mall they have to have some available jobs there.

Dennis: Great idea Mac. Let's go. Dee you are worthless.

Mac: Just worthless Dee. Get your head in the game these are troubled times.

Dee: Whaa... Wait... Really? Really guys? God you guys suck so much.

Mac: Charlie want to go to the mall and see if you cannot ruin things for all of us.

Charlie: Hell ya. I just have to clean up a bit around here first?

Dennis: Charlie we were all just fired. You DO NOT work here anymore.

Charlie: Yeah I know but I just need to do a couple things...

Dee: What's that in your pocket?

Charlie: Nothing!

Mac: Dude stop stealing and eating to olives out of the bar.

Charlie: We are going to starve man.

Dennis: Well maybe that's something you should have thought about before you decided to get us all fired and get the bar shut down.

Mac: Charlie, sometimes I'm just at a loss for words.

Dee: Does anyone care that I'm here?

Dennis: Shut up Dee.

Dee: Damn it!

Charlie: Since we don't work here anymore and don't have to adhere to the dress code anymore can we all grow mustaches.

Dee: There is no dress code Charlie. You look like shit. You actually thought there was a dress code. Where on earth do you get your information from. Do you even know where you are right now?

*Dee completely ignored

Charlie: So mustaches?

Mac: Of course we grow mustaches. I mean at least if we want to be taken seriously. We really can't afford not to grow mustaches

Dennis: I'm not ruining this face with a mustache you two are idiots and on your own. This godly face is pure as the driven snow and will not be cluttered up with facial hair. You just got maced Mac you really think you can afford to look any more like a convicted felon?

Mac: I'll look great, dignified and confident. Someone who can be trusted.

Dee: I hope you are arrested. (under her breath)

*Dee ignored once again.

Dennis: God! It creeps me out when strangers smile at me. It's like what the hell are you up to behind that dumb smile of yours. What are you hiding and what are you thinking about doing to me. They are planning something those sneaky sons of bitches.

Mac: I think you are being paranoid dude.

Charlie: No man I totally get it. It's like they are reading your thoughts or something trying to get inside your head.

Dennis: No not at all. That is absolutely not what I was talking about. It's like they are about to touch me or something.

Dee: Who says they are even looking at you. Maybe they are just happy and you happen to walk in front of that happiness. Not everyone is as miserable as you three all the time.

Mac: Dee shut up, if I were you I would never smile.

Dennis: Oh man, never smile.

Charlie: Does your face get tired from frowning all the time. I read in a book onetime that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile.

Dee: Really Charlie did you READ it. What book was it? I'll believe you if you can name one publication. Just one. Any one.

Dennis: Was it a Highlights?

Charlie: The ummmm... The World Information Journal

Dee: Oh so close.

Charlie: Whatever you still suck and are getting wrinkles from frowning all the time.

Mac: Good point Charlie; well played...

Dee: OH YOU GUYS ARE SOOOOO POPULAR!

*The waitress seen working at a Keyosk.

Dee: Is that the waitress?

Dennis: What happened to her? Man she looks terrible.

Mac: Is that Rickety Cricket? What are those two doing together?

Dee: Wow Dennis you really pushed her down hill didn't you.

Dennis: I blame Frank. Awful. He definitely sent her on a downhill spiral toward that. Whatever "that" is.

Mac: No dude this was definitely your fault. You broke her will.

Dennis: Well I guess that tends to happen but only because I'm the zenith of most peoples lives. I'm the climax of each individual. They peak at me. After that there is no where to go but down.

Dee: Look at her she looks like a homeless person. She could be dating one for gods sake. You guys have ruined this poor girl.

Dennis: Oh don't even begin to act like an innocent bystander in all of this. You were a participant along with the rest of us. It could be argued that its all Charlie's fault. Maybe just the straw the broke the camels back.

Mac: Lets not get bestiality involved in this.

Dee: Dennis you have a way of sending people to hell.

Dennis: Awww Sweet D thats only because once you have been to heaven there is no where else to go.

Dee: You are delusional. I'm surprised that even the waitress was willing to sleep with you. How does it feel to be on the same level as Dad. Real low.

The Waitress: Screw you, you sons of bitches I can hear you talking about me. You are standing less then 10 feet from me and you really think I can't hear you!? And no we are not dating. I'm doing a community outreach program that tries to help down and out people get back on their feet.

Dennis: Are you a participant?

The Waitress: God damn it! No I'm helping. Volunteering. You know enriching the community. Not something that you would be familiar with.

Mac: Why are you dressed like a hobo? Is that some kind of company uniform they force you to wear so that you don't alienate the homeless.

The Waitress: This are my clothing.

Dennis: You look like you have been rolling in dirt.

Dee: Is that smell coming from your booth?

Dennis: We need to get out of here this area of the mall is depressing the hell out of me. Hey waitress where are all the jobs in this place?

The Waitress: No one is going to hire you degenerates.

Dennis: I beg to differ.

*Pulls mirror out of pocket

Dennis: Here you can keep this, maybe it will give you some perspective. (under breath) God just awful

Mac: Do you carry a mirror in your pocket all the time bro?

Dennis: Keeps me motivated for success.

Dee: Incredible.

Charlie: Hey guys check this out! Vibrating chairs. You guys need to get in on this action.

Mac: No what we need to do is find jobs. This place is terrible. Come on Dee go find us a job.

Dennis: Charlie get the hell up we have work to do.

Dee: I think he fell asleep.

Store Employee: Excuse me. Hi how would you like to work at the (name of store). We are looking for goodlooking men and women to join our staff.

Dee: Awww that so sweet. Sure I'll apply.

Dennis: Don't be ridiculous Dee he was talking to me.

Dee: I hardly see how thats possible. You were talking to me right?

Store Employee: Actually yes, I'm sorry mam we are looking to elicit a slightly younger demographic.

Dennis: You're too old Dee.

Dee: I'm younger then you are idiot.

Dennis: It's a perception thing. You've lived a rough life and women don't age well. I on the other hand have a very youthful appearance. Also you look uncomfortable and awkward in clothing. No one is going to want to buy from you.

Dee: This is bullshit.

Dennis: That was easy. So when do I start?

*Charlie is seen seen licking and eating something in the distance.

Dennis: Hey Charlie want a job?

Store Employee: Um... Excuse me?

*Dennis places finger on Employees lips*

Dennis: Shhhhhhhh. I'm working.

*Dee walks into store and attempts to read sign outside*

Dee: Who the hell put Charlie in charge of writing the sign. Most of whats on there is gibberish. Am I to believe there is some sort of sale on rainbows and rocks? And at one point it looks like he got distracted and started drawing pictures of himself kicking kittens?

Charlie: Are you kidding me its very clearly a sale on womens shorts.

Dee: Where am I supposed to get that, oh never mind. I got a job bitches.

Dennis: Doing what?

Dee: I got a job in the womens makeup department?

Mac: For Clowns like a novelty shop?

Dennis: The blind?

Mac: Oh it's a joke.

Dennis: Must be going out of business.

Dee: Assholes.

Dennis: God I look incredible.

Store Manager: Are you trying on clothes?

Dennis: I think you are drastically underestimating my skills at persuasion and as a model. I'm showing all these shitbags what they should be aspiring to.

Store Manager: Um please don't call our customers names.

*customer gives a strange look*

*Dennis stares in disgust*

Dennis: God you are ugly.

Store Manager: Take off that shirt. You are supposed to be helping the customers not trying on outfits. You aren't even refolding them.

Dennis: Oh I thought you could just have Charlie take care of that. Or a more "pile" approach to sorting the inventory.

Store Manager: Oh your friend has been asked to remain in the back after he was caught smelling some of the patrons and subsequently ingesting some of the perfume products.

Dennis: That sly son of a bitch.

Dennis: Ewwww, you're not planning on wearing that out in public are you?

Customer: Why not? Does the outfit look bad?

Dennis: It's your face you just really aren't going to want to draw attention to yourself.

Mac: Check this out Bro. I look bad ass! I'm going to get so much ass in this.

Dennis: First off you look stupid. Second girls aren't going to bang you because you look good they are going to bang you cause they are drunk. Play to your strengths. Did you rip the sleeves off of that shirt?

Mac: You can thank me later.

Store Manager: Sir you are going to have to pay for that and I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Also Dennis you're fired.

*Looking at Dennis still trying on clothing*

The Gang: We'll I got fired. We need to get the bar back open.

Dennis: Frank whats the situation on the bar we need this place running again.

Frank: I thought you guys had new jobs. You guys are quitters I didn't raise quitters.

Dee: Bullshit, yes you did.

Dennis: Plus quitting is so much easier.

Mac: Giving up is SO easy!

Charlie: SO easy.

Dennis: All you have to do is NOT do what you WERE doing.

Dee: So how about our jobs lets get this place running again. What do we need to do?

Dennis: I mean minimal work.

Mac: Very minimal.

Frank: Oh I took care of that ages ago.

Dee: What? Why didn't you tell us?

Mac: How? This place is a shithole.

Frank: Just a couple well placed bribes.

Dennis: You're bribing people now?

Dee: When were you planning on telling us?

Frank: I've been doing some restructuring and hiring some new employees.

Dee: What the shit? You've got to be kidding.

Frank: I assumed you knew. I've been putting flyers up all over town.

*Charlie starts to read flyer.

Charlie: Fffffff... ..

Dennis: Give me that?

Mac: Charlie damn it.

Dennis: Where were you getting the F from. When you look at words what exactly do you see? Aw never mind. "Young experienced attractive girls 21+ to work with older man. Must be able to do many positions." Frank did you have Charlie write this too or did you even attempt to even read it before you sent it out, it sounds like an amateur porn audition.

Frank: Well that explains a lot about the applicants but I thought it was very clear.

Dee: We want our jobs back.

Frank: Fine all the girls in this town are whores anyway.

Dennis: Well maybe you shouldn't make the application seem like they are going to be participating in a back room snuff film.

Frank: Charlie go clean the bathrooms.

Charlie: Already on it.

Dennis: Hey Frank, I know I'm probably going to regret asking you this but we need money. so... Would you like to come to the gym with us?

Mac: Frank look at these guns. With a little work we can have you looking less like troll and more like an elf.

Dennis: Or at the very least a Gnome.

Frank: No I've come to the conclusion that I don't care. I will never be strong enough to tell through my clothes, or fat enough to warrent losing any weight. Plus by the time girls see my naked body it will be too late. Also as you two guys have already mentioned I have money so I don't need to work out. You two however have seen your peak years and will never be rich enough to get quality tail anymore. You will continue to deteriorate until the only girls that will bang you will be so decrepit that you won't even want to.

Dennis: I'm a god.

Mac: I'm badass.

Dennis/Mac: Let's leave this piece of shit and go to the gym.

Mac: Want to get a drink first?

Dennis: Just one for the road.

To be continued…


End file.
